A relationship of attention

Usually, when I walk in the street with my three children, people stare at us and there's always someone who asks in a tone of amazement: "the three of them are youuuurs?... how do you handle it having threeeeeeee?", as if none of those people had ever had more than three siblings… or children! - many of them are old ladies.  Nowadays, being a mother of more than two children is considered as a heroic deed, when last generation a family with less than six children was very little. Women's mentality has changed so much, but that's material for another post 

How do I handle it having three, without a maid at home and without sending them to school? I have asked myself that question several times and I reply many answers in silence. Even when it certainly is a very hard and exhausting job, I don't feel near to hysteria - as many moms express it; instead I feel happy, satisfied and motivated. I guess the answer to this question lies in the combination of some factors.  One of those factors that for me is maybe the most important, is also the object of this article: the kind of relationship I have with my children.

In my opinion, the best word to designate the kind of relationship that my children and I maintain, is attention. I have known children who don't know how to pay attention. You speak to them and nothing happens. They don't even glance at you. Their moms shout themselves hoarse trying to make themselves heard and their children don't even turn a hair. They're kids so tired of hearing lectures and reprimands without being heard, that now are absorbed and disconnected from their environment; people whom you cannot establish a civilized interaction with. If I had three of them, then I'd be hysteric.

My husband and I have made an effort to maintain with our children a relationship of attention. Attention for me has two faces: by one side I require my children's attention, but in the other side, I give it to them without sparing anything. I've observed that when children start to misbehave it's just a symptom that they are idle and they are lacking attention.

I don't remember where, I sometime read that children are like a parking meter. You need to keep the machine well fed of coins so that time keeps running without getting a fine. Children need to be well fed of attention so that they don't break down. Children have their own alarms to let us know their parking meter is getting empty. They interrupt, throw tantrums, are disturbing, are anxious. A well attended child is quiet, confident and happy.

For me, paying attention to my children means keeping a constant attitude of true interest and esteem for them. It requires all of my senses to be with them and not only be "bodily" present while my mind is wandering about other worlds. I'm interested in having their hearts in my hands. This is: knowing what he wants, what he needs, what he thinks, what he yearns for, why he acts that way, what makes him be frightened, excited, laughing. For this I need to put all of my effort to be the one who can understand them thoroughly and whom they are willing to open and share their hearts with. I'm interested in letting them know they are the most important thing to me. This cannot be told with words, but with actions and attitudes. Even though many times it's hard for me, I make an effort to attend their call always without minimizing their petitions or getting mad because they cause me extra work. When they talk to me, I leave what I'm doing, look at their eyes, ask questions that allow me understand them fully and do not leave until I'm sure they transmitted their complete message. When I speak, I ask them to look at my eyes. I use a proper language according to their age, I talk clearly, using expressive gestures. I make sure they understood my full message by asking questions or asking them to repeat what I just said.

We talk all the time. Since they were very little and didn't speak yet, I constantly talked to them, narrated what was going on around us, I described what they were seeing. Now that they are talkative as parrots, we have constant chats and from them always emerge questions, inquires, reasons to investigate and search for answers. I love to listen to, answer and talk to them always as I would do with any other adult. They feel considered, taken on account and important.  Besides, I have seen how their vocabulary increases day by day for I don't hesitate to use any word even when its meaning is too elevated.

I try to make them my "accomplices" and that way, I involve them in all what's important for our family. We play they are the detectives I hired to discover all the clues spread over and take them back to the place where they belong to. We have a special mission each time we go to the market and they are in charge of drawing the "mission list" and to remind me of everything so we don't forget to buy anything. When something is happening, as when we get gas or water supply I direct their attention to what is going on, to observe people's job. Sometimes I ask them to handle the money to the gas man, or to receive the receipt. I transmit my responsibilities and worries to them, as when I hear the garbage truck's bell ringing and I start saying in an anxious tone: "Oh, the garbage truck is here and I haven't taken out the bags!, I'll have to run!" And even without asking for it, they perceive the importance of the situation and offer their help. As we walk together they make comments like: "hurry up! we have to be very fast or the truck will leave!!" When we finally finish, we *give five* to each other and congratulate each other for having done a good team work. During our trip to visit someone, we talk about the "plan" we'll follow: where we are heading, why, what's expected about our behavior, what's the visit about, what time we'll be leaving… all that interaction builds an identity of membership, of team, of herd.

I've seen moms having a hard time in public places because their children just escape running and cannot keep them all together. With a few exceptions, I haven't struggled with that problem. When we go out to the park or to any other public place, we usually go with an objective in mind, with a mission. We have in our minds the concept that since we are a team, we have to protect each other and stay together. We are always sunk in the same fantasy or in the same conversation, so they don't even think about going to somewhere else or to look for other children, because their issue is right here and they are happy being here. When someone starts moving away - (generally Caleb, the littlest one-year-boy) - the other ones get scared and start yelling to call him back and ask me to bring him back, very distressed. I try that all our decisions are taken in unity as when a child has a need and we all have to come back home, we discuss it and then we take the decision to come back because everybody understands that we are a family and that in this moment we need to support that member of our team, and when one of us in a similar situation the rest will support us as well. The time we are at the park is a space for recreation, of renewing, of taking new energies and to fill up our lungs with fresh air. This is the moment where most of the topics for conversation and fantasy arise, this is the moment when I remember that I was a child too, this is the moment when I forget about all my surroundings and give myself over to enjoy just the way they do. Not even think about using that time to talk on the phone or read a book or do my stuff. That time is for us, to feed our relationship, our unity, our world together.

When we are at home, we also have some rules. Everybody has to work on something productive. It's funny, but this concept has been so used, that they use it too and are very aware of their activities being productive or not. The other day I loved to hear a conversation between Mateo (who is four) and Pao (who is three). Pao was telling Mateo that he wanted to watch a movie and Mati answered to him: "Well, Pao, but that isn't a productive  activity. Let's ask mom if we can watch it and then get to work" I try to make them conscious and responsible of their own acts. Each time I like less the idea of having a rigid schedule where I decide what everybody has to use his time in. This is a topic for another entry too, but as I have said it before, we want our children to learn to act by inner convictions and motivations rather than by external stimulus. They already know that only the park is for running, and the house for being quiet. When I see them starting to run around, I take it as a symptom of idleness so it's time to look for a productive activity. I lately have started to ask them in those cases, "Remember that we cannot be running around the house, so what are you going to work on?" I like to ask them that question, because I make them responsible of their own acts and I also give them the opportunity to make their brains work and think about what they will work on, rather than being always expecting for all the alternatives to come from me. I want to strengthen their initiative instead of incite their dependence on external stimulation, their passivity and their lack of initiative.  Many times it is not easy for them to find good alternatives to occupy their time. For that, I came up with the idea of making a poster with a list of five essential areas on which we must work on at least once a day. We've been conveying the concept that "It's is important to have balance in our lives". This means that it is necessary to devote ourselves to different activities which strengthen all the phases of our being, and not only to one even when we like it very much. My list is compounded by five areas: house chores, exercise, mind, crafts and arts, and reading. House chores is about responsibilities for housekeeping such as do the dishes, clean the table, laundry sorting, putting away toys, take out the trash, etc. Exercise refers to exercise our body and since long ago we have as a habit going out to play for a long time in the morning and another time in the afternoon - a park is essential for little children! - Mind refers to all the activities that strengthen a part of our intellect (drawing, making puzzles, working on the computer, filling worksheets, practicing writing, numbers, etc.) Crafts and arts refers to all that is made with an artistic or manual touch (painting, shaping dough, bakery, gardening, music, etc.) And finally, we invest a daily time to read books together. I would like this list to be longer and more detailed, but at least I have - broadly speaking - enough to keep our inspiration when we receive attacks of idleness. The children already know the dynamic and when they listen to my question: "what are you going do?", immediately start to review their mental options list. 

 

When they don't come up with anything, then they glance at our list on the refrigerator and finally make their choice. If after all they still can't think of something, then I help them and choose something for them, but nobody can be without doing anything. They sit in a comfortable chair, still, busy and interested in their activity during a long while. Sometimes even I surprise of the silence and tranquility we have here during long periods of time.

When we have visits or I am talking with other people, my children tend to act out or misbehave. If we remember all this issue of the parking meter, it's easy to understand why: when I talk to others part of my attention is going to the other people and not to them. The children perceive it and then demand their part. My tactic is not to suppress nor to threaten them, but simply to pay attention to them. I look at them, make comments directed to them, I explain to them what's going on, I motivate them to listen to the adults conversation, I remind them that it is important to listen to people without interrupting, and finally, I also have prepared (in advanced, when it's possible) some proper activities for them to be busy in their places while the adults chat.

With a basis like this it's very easy to obtain their cooperation without the need of yelling or hitting. I have proved that what you sow you harvest, and in my experience, when I sow attention I harvest attention from my children. It is true that the interaction with tree boys under the age of five during all day long seven days a week, many times is a threaten against my sanity, but it is also true that keeping a relationship of attention with them, the load is more bearable. They yearn for being well with me, "be my friends", and then they listen to my voice naturally and make an effort to follow it, to please me. When we need to solve a conflict, it is easy to have their attention because they exercise daily, we have it as a habit, is our lifestyle. It is easy to appeal to their conscience and they take immediate action to correct themselves. A relationship of attention is built very early, from the womb, but it can be taken at any age. We need to sow attention if we want to harvest attention.