Stability is attained by stability

The last episode of "the dog  whisperer" I saw, really impressed me: a German shepherd dog was very violent and aggressive and frightened his owners and all those who passed by his fence. Cesar said that the reason of his behavior was insecurity. He brought another dog to help him. Cesar and his dog stood right in front of the German shepherd dog out of the fence. He jumped, barked, growled, he was crazy. Cesar and the other dog were just standing, tranquil, serene, as if nothing was happening.
  After some minutes, the German shepherd dog begins to calm down. He put his ears and tail down. Finally, he lay down and whined a little. When Cesar explains the situation, he says: "My dog is stable and he perceives the other dog's insecurity but he doesn't judge him; he helps him to stabilize by being stable himself".

 I was thoughtful after the show thinking about this: the dog perceives the other's insecurity and does not judge him, but helps him by being stable himself. It makes me reflect about myself. How do I respond before others' insecurity or immaturity? Do I help them stabilize by being stable myself, or do I judge them and get infected by their instability?

Abolishing judgment

I have discovered that in my interaction with the children (and not only with them, but with many more - but that's another topic)judgment exists. Judgment comes from an attitude of superiority and the belief that I'm perfect. It is absurd to say that I think I'm perfect, but it really exists (existed!) that thought inside of my head.  That perfection is translated into very high and selfish expectations for me and for those around me. I want my children to reach the level I have decided in my mind they have to reach. I want "Flanders" kids, perfect, who do not make mistakes. Because from my point of view, I do not make mistakes, so they must not do it either. And to make the situation even worse, we add an extra ingredient: Comparison. When I see other families, moms or children, and I realize they are better than me, there is resentment against my children and then I react violently to them. The key here is to recognize that I am not perfect and my children are not either and we will never be. We all are in different levels of maturity and we are walking towards it. It is true that I am here to help my children to mature, but my reactions have a vital importance in that process. I already know what I have to do, and many times I do not do it. How do I like others - especially my husband - to react before my mistakes? My children already know what they have to do, but many times they do not do it basically because they are immature… how am I going to react to those mistakes? What do I want to achieve when I correct them: to judge them and make them know they did wrong through reprobation and reproach?, or to make them feel that I am there for them to hold their hand and help them one more time with love, kindness and empathy?

Love is giving for others' needs without being my motivation, personal reward.  Selfishness seeks to meet its own needs without thinking about others. Kindness is supporting others during their moments of weakness so that they can reach their full potential. Roughness reacts against their weakness and prevents them from attaining the purposes for which they were created. Empathy is to understanding and entering into another's feelings.

Lately, we've been teaching at home the concept that we can all make mistakes and the way to respond to other's fails is not getting angry or pointing them out, but tolerantly and patiently offering my help so that he can overcome his mistake. Finally, we all make mistakes sometime and when it is my turn, that's the reaction I would like to receive from others. If we demand this from the children, how much more I must demand from myself in situations so simple as the milk being spilled on the table or a boy not getting to the bathroom on time...

Defeating fear

A remarkable fact about "the dog whisperer" is that he solves the problem with the dog very quickly, but he dedicates much more time of the therapy to deal with the owners. I've discovered that many of the "children's problems" are actually MY problems. I am the source of the problem and I'm transmitting them my stress and insecurity just the way humans do with dogs and unbalance the poor animals.  I need to defeat fear. Fear to tantrums, to their reactions, to their negative responses, to public humiliations. When I have fear, then I emotionally involve myself with their reactions: I get angry, I'm anxious, I act violently. The reason of having fear is that the situation affects me personally. I blocks MY own priorities for that moment. It embarrasses ME, it gets ME tired, it takes ME time, it alters MY schedule… a totally selfish perspective. Children need stability and a fearful mother cannot give it.

Bringing liberty

I discover that I need to brake the chains that oppress  and limit us. In my case, I identify the chains of schedules, times, activities. It always exists the hurry, the haste, the need to accomplish something, but many times, my own comfort or convenience or my own ambition to achieve something visible is what pushes me to be in a hurry every day. I am not flexible in the way I want things to be done and I force the children to do what I say without making an effort to look for another alternative.

I feel that much of my stress and eagerness are born by a lack of flexibility. I think I can explore into creativity and try different routines, different schedules and above all, to enjoy every moment without being always loaded by the thought of the next moment and how I'll solve it. I recognize that I put myself and my own convenience or what "has" to be done in the house before my children, their needs or their preferences. I need to liberate my children from my own expectations and let them alone to be attracted naturally and healthily to my love and genuine interest. I don't want to be a *sickly* mother, and for that, I need to give them space, let them alone to look for me and then, receive them with my heart open very willing to LISTEN and COMPREHEND.

Taking control

In the first place, I need to take control of myself. I need to be aware of my own emotions all the time. To verify what I am transmitting to the children with my spirit, soul and body, more than with my words or instructions. I like to visualize myself as a paramedic in the middle of an emergency. He has total control of the situation. And he does because he is serene. All the people around him is in panic, anxious and in their eagerness to help, they get very stressed just running nowhere without doing anything useful.  The paramedic arrives tranquil, serene, assertive. He calms everyone down and delegates each one's function without taking the problem as personal and he never involving emotionally. Many times I've played the role of the stressed multitude that does not know what to do, but now I'm learning how to be the paramedic who gives what everyone needs and who knows exactly how to react in any emergency… or tantrum. For that, I need to believe that I DO have that control and that I AM the mother and that I am totally capable and then, project that with all my being… no matter how strongly the dogs bark behind the fence...

I'm taking little daily decisions to liberate myself and liberate them, and leave my selfishness behind and be truly available for them, with my heart open and not only stressed and hurrying just wanting to domain everything. A domain for my convenience. 

I recently learned the difference between a leader and a dictator: A dictator imposes change; a leader is the change's epicenter. That's what I'm trying to do: to change in my interior and let the waves produced to extend as far as possible and that my stability finally stabilizes my family.